-

you must have wanted the world to know.

poor little thing.

now they know…”

- Eu quero uma segunda chance.

- Você teve milhões de segundas, terceiras, quartas e quintas.

- Me dê a sexta.

- Não sei.

- Você nunca sabe, de nada. Você sempre esquece.

- De que?

- Eu não posso me separar de você.

- Sua dependência já chegou a esse ponto doentio?

- Não a minha, a sua.

- Eu não dependo de você.

- Você depende da minha presença pra justificar sua existência.

- Não entendo.

- Não, você não entende. Mas entenderia melhor se olhasse ao redor.

- E o que tem ao redor?

- Exatamente.

- Exatamente? Nada.

- Pois é, você só existe ao olhar dos outros. Se eu não estiver aqui, quem mais vai fazer você existir?

- Eu tenho um espelho.

- Mas ele odeia seu reflexo.

- Eu odeio você.

- Mas você existe.

- Posso arranjar quem me faça existir.

- Não, eu incapacitei você disso, quando resolvi te dar a chance de voltar ã vida.

- Eu odeio você.

- Quando eu resolvi que iria entrar dentro da sua cabeça…

- Virou Sartre?

- De certa forma.

- Sexta, então?

- Sim.

- Ótimo, não estou considerando suícidio, por enquanto.

- Imagino que não.

- Mas odeio você, por me fazer existir.

- E eu odeio seu espelho.

- hmmm

- qualquer coisa!

- confete.

- confete?

- confete. eu amo confete. olhe pra mim e fale algumas mentiras, eu juro que não irei te odiar por isso até o dia que eu não quiser mais te ver na minha frente.

- e então?

- então nada.

- isso não faz sentido.

- você também não faz sentido. não sei nem por que você se dá ao trabalho.

- porque eu gosto.

- não, é o costume.

- não, você é diferente.

- exato, confete.

- é.

- por isso que eu amo você, você mente.

- você também.

- pois então seremos felizes.

- é.

*

Nothing left to say
And all Ive left to do
Is run away
From you

Wrap my hurt in you
And took my shelter in that pain
The opiate of blame
Is you broken heart, your heart

So now Im all by myself
As Ive always felt
Ill betray my tears
To anyone caught in our ruse of fools

One last kiss for me…yeah
One last kiss good night

Didnt want to lose you once again
Didnt want to be your friend
Fulfill a promise made of tears
And crawled back to you

Now Im all by myself
As Ive always felt
And Ill betray myself
To anyone, anyone but you

So let the sadness come again
On that you can depend on me
Until the bitter, bitter end
When good sleeps in bliss

And Im all by myself
As Ive always felt
And Ill betray myself
To anyone

C.L.O.S.E.T.H.E.D.O.O.R.F.O.R.E.V.E.R.

I’m not Austrian, but close enough

According to Alpine folklore, suitors proved their
love by climbing high crags of the Alps in search
of the flower. Tragically, many suitors fell
to their death or died of exposure to the weather.

-

Ex.Po.Su.Re.

-

” Do you believe in always,the wind
said to the rain
I am too busy with
my flowers to believe,the rain answered”
E.E. Cummings.

*
I feel like the silence falls
more as if
it did
your confidence
in confiding
in me.

I breathe in, and out, and
nothing comes out of the
(perforated) lung of the
wound you left
soaking wet
on the inside
of your bizarre,
paranoid (illogical)
brain seizures

I invent
a thousand ways of getting in
(side out)
of your stomach walls
a parasite
of flesh (less of)
bones
and existence.

If I can’t have it… I’ll take it.

~

Febre, tudo dói cabeça, estômago, ventre, tudo. Argh.
Vou escrever pra ver se melhora, aliás, com quem eu estou falando anyway?

~

On a tous besoin d’amour.

Tu peux tout changer
Faire couler l’eau des mots de tes rêves
Sur les yeux fermés
Qui ne croient plus le beau
Parce qu’à trop oublier, ils se taisent

Nous on veut l’amour
Rien de plus, rien de moins
Pour les cœurs trop lourds
De détresse, de chagrin
Nous on veut l’amour
Pour toujours prend ma main
On a tous besoin d’amour
Rien de plus, rien de moins

Donne tout ce que tu veux
A tous ceux qui n’ont rien ou si peu
Qui tendent les mains
Et qui ferment leurs yeux
Pour nous dire qu’ils sont là, faute de mieux

~

Febre, tudo dói cabeça, estômago, ventre, tudo. Argh.
Vou escrever pra ver se melhora, aliás, com quem eu estou falando anyway?

~

On a tous besoin d’amour.

Tu peux tout changer
Faire couler l’eau des mots de tes rêves
Sur les yeux fermés
Qui ne croient plus le beau
Parce qu’à trop oublier, ils se taisent

Nous on veut l’amour
Rien de plus, rien de moins
Pour les cœurs trop lourds
De détresse, de chagrin
Nous on veut l’amour
Pour toujours prend ma main
On a tous besoin d’amour
Rien de plus, rien de moins

Donne tout ce que tu veux
A tous ceux qui n’ont rien ou si peu
Qui tendent les mains
Et qui ferment leurs yeux
Pour nous dire qu’ils sont là, faute de mieux

Esta é minha carta para o Mundo,
Que nunca escreveu pra Mim-
Notícias simples que a Natureza contou-
Com terna Majestade.

Sua mensagem é entregue
A mãos que não posso ver-
Por amor a Ela-de leve-
Julguem com carinho-a Mim!

- Dickinson.

-
Jogaram-me de uma ponte e depois pisotearam.
Fiquei olhando as folhas secas.
O silencio me machuca.
Nao importa o quanto eu fale.

Que nao seja novamente, ilusao.

Taller than the tallest tree is
Thats how its got to feel
Deeper than the deep blue see is
Thats how deep it goes – if its real

When somebody needs you
Its no good unless he needs you – all the way
Through the good or lean years
And for all the in between years – come what may

Who know where the road will lead us
Only a fool would say
But if youll let me love you
Its for sure Im gonna love you – all the way, all the way

*

My heart is broken in tiny little pieces, no glue to mend it just yet.

I offer you each and every piece of it until the end of my existence.

I thought of a thousand ways to make you see and feel, and realize that special things don’t go away; they shift and change sometimes, they don’t ever leave, unless you let go of them.

If I could describe what I feel in words, I would have to write until the end of time. I can try and say that you move whatever is inside of me to a dangerous extent, so that I am forever yours. I can try and say that I dream of you day and night, and that the slight rememberance of your voice makes my heart smile. Or maybe if I said that you taught me to feel the breeze in my face, to be a little more happy to be alive?

I could describe how it feels to be kissed by you, the warmth, the security, the passion, all of that. But it would be pointless, because you wouldn’t be inside of me to feel just how intense that sensation is.

I could secretely stop time and spend it all just looking at you as you sleep, and, sometimes, as you weep. And I could stroke your hair and place little kisses on your forehead and whisper to you that I love you. I could see you a mile away.

I remember dreaming about you, your arms, your smile, how your voice would sound like in my ear; and it’s so, so much better than I ever imagined. Sometimes I wonder if it’s nothing but a surreal dream or a cruel joke. Reality would never be that sweet to me.

You’re my baby boy with the expressive eyes and the most beautiful smile. My blue dream, my sky and my companion, my angel. My angry boy, my lost mirror.

You hate pictures of yourself; but I must confess I love to look at you, anytime, anywhere. And you erased them off my camera, so where will I look to now when I need comfort?

I could say my love is bigger than the ocean, bigger than the sorrow I feel, bigger than…whatever, but it wouldn’t be enough for you to understand, or wouldn’t mean much. It is, though, larger than my life.

Or yours.

I now realize the true meaning of being in love; of having someone to love you back. It’s a hard choice; you choose to be hurt by others and to hurt yourself. And you choose to look life at another angle.

Time’s been tough on us. Life’s been hurtful and fate’s been cruel. But it would be unbearable without your presence by my side, as I sleep.

It’s not a conscious choice anymore, I know it as instinctively as I know I exist. I know you haven’t given up yet. And I know your confusion isn’t bigger than your trust.

Don’t ask. I just know. Sometimes you don’t have to say anything. I do feel it coming from you. I feel it when you look at me, the confusion, the pain, the hatred, and, finally, the love. I wish I could sing to you so you’d understand that it’ll go away, and that somehow, you’ll let me touch your heart again, hold it close to me, in my little pocket.

”Oh dream maker

You heartbreaker

Wherever you’re going

I’m going your way

Two drifters off to see world

There’s such a lot of world to see

We’re after the same rainbow’s end…”

Look around you, look at me again. Let yourself feel again. I know you’re scared. I’m terrified. But I had a dream tonight, and a song. And this song made me finally realize that…it’s time I start living. You can make this change in me; like once you said I’d make a change in you.

Our paths crossed in a highly unlikely matter. It was not an accident. And it is no accident that we’re still here. I trust your love, above all the hurt and confusion.

I trust this:

You know, it’s hard these days, as it’s always been, to find happiness, love, comfort and empathy. You’re all that wrapped in a little present, with a nice bow on it.

Give it time, I say. Give it a week, give it a day, give it a second. Just let me move you again, and don’t think of the consequences, for once. Life’s a pleasant walk in the park, when you finally allow yourself to just feel, regardless of anything else. Trust me.

And

just so you know.

The song.

Is you.

I wrote it

You will miss this feeling someday. And you’ll miss the smile I know you just had. And if that moves you, at all, I should be in bed, asleep. I’m waiting.

I love you.

*

My father loved this song. I don’t think it’s the version I was looking for, though.

I remember once, when I was pretty little and we were just going nowhere in his car, and he’d leave the ceiling open, and he’d play these old songs and sing along. And I remember just feeling right, just being happy, regardless of anything. I remember people clapping and I thought it was because of this song and me and dad singing it. I don’t even think I knew the lyrics to it the right way. It didn’t matter at all.

I’d give anything in the world to feel that safe one more time. I remember as the hours passed by, we’d go shopping for groceries and he’d buy me candy and tell me jokes. I thought we were both immortal. He’s gone now, but I feel him so close, somehow. All in all it hasn’t sunk in yet.

Baby says I need to let him go.

But he won’t let go of my heart.

I remember just how much I loved singing, how much joy it brought to my heart. I’ve been so empty of joy lately; and I believe it’s due to my choices. Anything, but a choice. I am not free, for I cannot choose. I certainly didn’t choose this or yearn for it.

I feel trapped somehow, in this time. I feel as if I could bend time, things would fall in place again. Everything is eroding, and all I can think of is this song in my head; the whole day. It keeps playing on a loop, nonstop. Oh, I miss being careless and carefree. But those times can’t ever return. They live, still, in my heart, in my mind, and my spirit. I know he feels my pain and I wish it’d go away so he wouldn’t have to feel it, too. I am so sorry for everything I didn’t do.

I learned that everything must always be sad, and never explode. I learnt that I should always feel, as intensely and as  truthfully as I could. And never give up on what I’ve always searched for. The true value of laughter, happiness and just being alive. I wish I could teach someone to enjoy just feeling, just touching. The joy of staring into love’s eyes.

I feel so tired, but satisfied; I think I finally get it, I finally understand.

He’s not coming back because he never went away; I carry him in my heart and his voice will always guide my way. So I can always tell him just how much I miss having those lazy sundays with him, watching movies or talking, or doing nothing. I regret I ran away so many times. I regret I didn’t get to enjoy all of that he was. But he still IS, just different. Just somewhere else. I shouldn’t feel pain anymore.

It’s time to move on; although my heart will keep singing this song, until the day I am no more. I owe him my happiness, I owe him my accomplishments, I owe him my truth and understanding, and I owe him this lesson. He’d be more than happy to know that I will finally stop running.

Thank you, father, for all your love. And for all that you are to me, and for every little smile. I miss you with all that I am.